Self-Discovery

Through conversation today at work, I remembered that I had a blogger blog. Tonight I sat down and read it end-to-start. I laughed, I cried, but mostly I identified with the author. That was amazing. I've changed so much in the past few years, but somehow I've managed to stay exactly the same. I haven't enjoyed reading something so much in a long time. For once, being self-absorbed doesn't seem so wrong.

When a Stranger Calls Back

The whole family went to the YMCA for a little workout tonight. As we were leaving, I ran into a guy I went to college with. I did a little running around with him and his friend Bob. I even went out with Bob a few times. I'd tell you his name, but the funny thing is I DON'T REMEMBER! I had several classes with this guy and we were friends, but his name completely escapes me. I think I faked it good enough for now, but he wanted my number to catch up more later.

So tonight my phone rang and it was him. More faking. I seriously gave this a lot of thought. We made plans to all meet sometime to hang out. Now what am I going to do?! I've even been to this guy's house before. I added him to my phonebook as 'guy I went to school with'.

Update! His name is Steve. - I think.

A Decade

My oldest turned 10 yesterday. Seems like just yesterday he was born. I was 18 and terrified. I was a couple of months into a marriage that wasn't going so well and I had no support system. At least not a very functional one. My mother wasn't really talking to me. I was 17 and a senior in high school when I got pregnant. And on the honor roll. And on my way to college with a full-ride scholarship. She wasn't very happy. Now, I understand.

10 years and one very messy divorce later, everything has turned out ok. As much as I hated my mother for not being there when I needed her most, I've forgiven her. What I was really angry about was that I knew she was doing the wrong thing. What I didn't know was that she didn't know it was the wrong thing. I thought that she should have all the answers.

The hardest thing that I have learned in the last 10 years is that parents never have all the answers. All we can do is the very best that we know how with what we have. So I am constantly trying to forgive my parents for mistakes I think they made. Mistakes that I am sure they agonized about the same way I agonize about every decision I make. I hope some day my oldest will come to this same conclusion. And with the turbulent teenage years coming up, I hope he chooses to forgive me.

Ok, So I'm a Cow

I've gained 15 pounds in the last year and I don't care. Now I know I've become my mother.

A Small Treat

I like to think I'm snacking healthy. I work at a desk all day so I snack a lot more than I should. I'm averaging 10 pounds heavier than I was when I started my job two years ago.

I used to eat from the vending machine, but they raised their prices. And usually have crappy food. I've tried hard candy, mini muffins, mints, and a host of other things. I thought I hit pay dirt when I found the 100 calorie bags of mini muffins. Except there are FOUR muffins in a bag. So I had to eat two bags. So now we are up to 200 calories and they cost about 10 times more. And I'm still hungry.

I tried to venture out with Nabisco's 100 Calorie Healthy Snacks. I got the Chips Ahoy kind. I didn't expect much. However.... they were great! They were lots of them in the bag, they crunched, and the taste was exactly like the real thing. I just wish they made them in a bigger box so they didn't cost a fortune.

Definitely worth a try if you are trying to cut back on snacking.

Personality Disorder

I've never been fond of birthday celebrations. It possibly stems from not having many birthday parties as a child. I know there were a few, I've seen pictures of me as a baby. I don't personally remember any from my childhood. I don't like cake and I hate the pressure of the candles. I've had a few parties for the kids, but I'd much rather just get them a bigger present and forgo the party. So, they are doomed to repeat my pattern -- but at least they get presents.

Today was the birthday. I went to dinner with my grandma out of obligation (her birthday is tomorrow). My middle child blabbed to the waitress and I was forced to endure the dreaded server singing. I could have choked her. I tried to be a good sport, but all I really want for my birthday is to be left alone for a few hours and not have to deal with a party.

The highlight of my day: That same middle daughter, who was obsessed with my birthday, asked how old I was. I answered 20-something (fill in the something with the right number, I'm not telling).

She said, "WOW! That's not so good." --- Exactly.

The Truth Fairy

I'm barely awake this morning and the almost-10-year-old sticks a baggie under my nose. Inside was a tooth. As I'm wondering where the heck he found a tooth he goes: "AH - HA!"

"I told you there was no tooth fairy!"

Thinking fast, but not that fast, I realize he lost the tooth the day before and didn't tell me to test his theory. I shushed him because his sisters were in the room. When they left, he went over his master plan with me, grinning from ear to ear. He caught me. I briefly considered coming up with a lie to keep him believing, but in a moment of weakness I decided he was old enough to know the truth.

"Ok, so you caught me, I am the tooth fairy," I tell him. "But you're the genius who is out two bucks!" His smile starts to fade as he catches on. He decided he still believes in Santa.

Time Off

I took a vacation day today to help my mom find something to wear to my brother's wedding this weekend. Vacation days are cherished because (1) I only get 10 a year, (2) I do not get sick time, so if one of us gets sick, I have to take a vacation, and (3) I need to save 5 days for the county fair the first week of July.

Today I also did 5 loads of laundry, the dishes, and various other cleaning. I can't wait to go back to work so I can get a freaking break.

A Lot is Two Words

Little things irk me. I'm what you'd call high-maintenance, inflexible, and generally just a pain in the ass.

I had a teacher in the 8th grade whose mission was to teach the world that 'a lot' was two words and not one. She failed.

Vonage Sucks Too

After my last frustrating experience with Verizon, I decided to sign up for Vonage. With a promise of a modem appearing at my door in 2 business days and a month free service, I was excited to be rid of long-time loser, Verizon (formerly GTE). I had to pay at $42 setup fee.

That was two weeks ago. Still no modem. I called to cancel. Well, turns out I have to call yet another phone number that is only open limited hours. I couldn't cancel with the same people I placed the order with. And they still have my $42.

Now I hate all phone companies.

Loan Sharks

270 days. That is how long one can go without paying on their student loans before these people really get pissed. I was one of the lucky ones, I left school only owing $3600 -- well plus another 4 grand on a credit card. After I got a real job, it was time to start paying those loans. At first I was ok with that.

Then I got this and this and this, and pretty soon the last thing I wanted to spend my money on was my student loans. I heard stories about people who owed on them for years and no big deal. So I started throwing the statements away. I figured if I had any money left at the end of the month... well that day didn't come. I'm the type of person who spends $1.25 for every $1 I make.

Well eventually they did get really angry. And they started talking about garnishing my wages! How embarrassing! So, ok, I paid them their money and they are happy and I get one less pair of shoes a month. I actually had to argue with them that no, I haven't really fallen on hard times - I just am really bad at prioritizing.

So, in case you ever wondered, you can go 270 days, but not a second more.

Ask Yourself Punk - Are you Feeling Lucky?

I seriously hate asking for salt at Wendy's or McDonalds and being gifted with 10 packets in my bag. Who needs 10 packets of salt for one medium fry? For that matter, who needs 10 packets of salt - EVER!

Here are some other ways to annoy me:

• When I am going 33 mph in a 35, ride my ass because those extra 2 mph make THAT MUCH of a difference. The speed limit is exactly that, a limit, not the minimum you can go. You know what trying to rush me does? It makes me go slower.
• If you call my cell phone and I don't answer because, hey, I might be talking to someone more important... call back continuously until I give up and answer out of sheer annoyance... Then ask me casually: "whatcha doing?"
• Leave the cordless phone off the charger so that every time I try to use it, it dies 5 minutes into the call.
• Wear your shoes on my very light-colored carpet.
• Rev your motorcycle for 10 minutes outside my house at 3am. Yea, you are cool, and the whole street hopes you get hit by a bus.
• Drink my pop and then act flabbergasted when I announce it disappeared. Yea, it emptied itself and then walked in the recycling bin. That's a die-hard environmentalist.
• Switch my chair at work and then laugh when I spend all week looking for the one that has my butt-print in it.
• Pull out in front of me and THEN TURN 50 feet down the road. Why do people do this?
• Wait until I walk away from my computer and then turn it off, forcing me to wait for it to boot every time I want to do something. Do it in the name of power-conservation.
• Tell me that I can't possibly be correct because you are an expert in the field. And then have absolutely no facts to back up your point. You are right because you say so, I get it.

On Getting Older

A few years back, right after divorce #1, I started a tradition of buying gifts for myself. I had never allowed myself selfish purchases before because, well we were poor. My first gift was a digital camera for my first Valentine's Day alone in 2003. It was a Kodak LS 443 and yes, I paid $500 for it. That was an enormous amount of money for me, but I saved and paid cash. I was ROCKIN' with 4MP and a great zoom. I still have that camera today.

This year for my birthday I traded my MacMini to the husband and some cash for a new camcorder. I wanted the Sony SR300, but they didn't stock it in the store and I wanted it today, so I settled for the HDR-SR5. I'm still deciding if it will make it past the 14 day period when I can take it back, but so far so good. Now I need a new processor because these videos make mine chug ;)

It helped that I used the excuse that my little brother is getting married next month and I'd like to tape it for him.

Walk Away While You Can

In a desperate attempt to keep my head above water, I've been avoiding the computer at home. It's my old friend that offers me comfort, but I don't want that. Really, I just want to be angry.

Here is the brief:

1. ** Edited for Safety **
2. I have to do the dishes way too much.
3. I survived the Popcorn Festival (by not going) and taking all three kids to another county's fair.
4. Dan and I might work things out.
5. I will not be a homeowner either way.
6. My family really pisses me off.
7. I'm trying to re-establish a relationship with my bio-dad. My hunch is I'll get hurt again.
8. My kids have too much homework.
9. I hate cleaning.
10. I need about 10 more hours in each day.
11. I wish I had all the answers.

I'm going to try to find the lighter side, in the hopes that you all haven't run for the hills.

Flirting with the Bright Side

First, thank you everyone for your support. It helps to know I'm not alone.

I'm feeling at ease today. Less overwhelmed. I'm trying to complete the loan papers for the house. It's tempting to ignore it, but it has to be done. The funny thing is.. 3 kids and 2 husbands later... I'm just not sure I'm ready to make the kind of commitment it takes to buy a house.

My priorities are definitely screwed up.

Needing some Cheese

Well today didn't go all that bad. But I'm still going to whine a little.

It seems like my world is falling apart. I know this is what I wanted. It doesn't really make it all that much easier. I try not to get all dark and personal here, but I'm concerned. I know that I'm not sad about losing someone who I was supposed to love.

What I wonder... when was the last time I said I loved someone and really meant it? And have I actually ever? I just don't know if I'll ever let someone in. But the first step is admitting the problem, right?

The problem, folks, is me.

The End...

Ok, so we have court tomorrow. It's going to be ugly. and nasty. and I hate it already. I'm going to bed, but if you see this, wish me luck, patience, and a whole lotta Valium.

Public Service Announcement

My sister is going to be ok.

I like to start off with that because that is the important part. Saturday night / Sunday morning she was a passenger in a very bad car accident that was the result of two dumb girls getting drunk and driving in the fog with no seat belts. They hit a tree. Head. On.

They will both be ok.

Sparing the details, we knew this would happen someday. She is 21 and has a serious problem with alcohol and likely other drugs. We knew it was when, not if. And there wasn't a damn thing we could do about it. This is the third car she has had a part in totalling in 3 months. All booze-related.

So please, if you pray, please pray for her and her friend to learn from this. And please pray that people stop getting into vehicles and driving drunk.

And please talk to your kids about it. Even if they are too young.

Confusion

You don't want to be with me...
...but you're pissed that I don't want to be with you.

So let's convince me to stay by being the biggest ass possible.

Perfect Sense.

Have Your Pet Spayed or Neutered

In light of my almost-single status, I thought I'd share my favorite bad-date story. Shortly after divorce #1 I started talking to a guy in one of my classes at school. He was a few years older and divorced himself. Not all that great-looking, but I just wanted to get back in the game. I took him up on his offer to have a quick bite at McDonalds one night after class.

Basically at this point we knew each other's names, family situations, and career plans. That was about it. As we were ordering he looked me dead in the eyes and with a straight face asked, "I just have to know, are you fixed?"

I stalled for time and tried to figure out what the hell he was asking exactly, and why. He tried to clarify, "I just wanted to know because you have two kids and I want kids of my own someday."

Needless to say that was our first, and last, date.