Be Fearless

Bing!

2009-06-04T22:41:00.002-04:00

An interesting point was brought up today about the glory wisdom of Bing. I know Microsoft wants to recreate Google and have their own verb in the marketplace, but Bing?

Who in their right mind is going to Bing themselves? Hey, how about we Bing that? Did you Bing it? How about a pre-date Bing?

Nice, I'd say a swing and a miss.

Walk the Line

2008-09-03T21:13:00.002-04:00

Well, I hope that I'm back after a long absence. I'll give the reason that I have been giving the world. I've been sick. I never have to elaborate when they see me. It's more of a I-think-I-have-a-mental-disease thing.

I lost 50 pounds in about 4 months. And about destroyed myself in the process. At my peak I was working out for about 4 hours a day. I'd run for about 7 or 8 .... or 9 or 10 miles a day without taking a day off ever. I'd lift and do strength training every day. And I'd be on the go non-stop... on a strict 1000 calorie or less a day diet. And then I gave up meat to cut even more.

Proud of every pound that fell off and disappointed in every ounce that found me, I was a regular at the scale. I'd get on it about a dozen times a day. I know how much a glass of water or a shower makes you gain, and I know how little you lose after going to the bathroom. I can pretty much tell you at any given moment - to the ounce - what my weight is without getting on the scale. You don't have to tell me I have a problem, I know.

Each time I reached my goal with ease, I said why not another 5 pounds. Eventually it caught up with me. I stopped having periods in January. My body began to literally shut off. I couldn't go to the bathroom and I ached all the time. Still I stuck to my schedule. I rode the highs and the lows, congratulating myself each time I turned my starving belly away from food. I lived through intense stomach pains as my digestive system stopped working. For months I'd be doubled-over in pain after eating only one bite. I stopped losing weight and stopped living life. I drank tea by the gallon and chewed gum by the pack. I listened to a lot of criticism about how I looked. It only made it worse. I couldn't control how my body looked, but I could control what went into my mouth.

Then the binging started. Unable to turn away any longer, I'd consume enough food to literally make me sick - and make the world spin. Then the purge. I'd exercise into exhaustion. All I ever thought about was food. I read book after book about the foods that I couldn't eat. I made elaborate dinners for my family and then sneak off to eat lettuce. I started taking bites and spitting them out instead of swallowing. Then I realized I might, maybe have a problem. Somewhere along the line an attempt at better living became something bad.

I think I'm getting better. The weirdest part is having a disorder is almost as obsessive as the disorder itself. I want to be the BEST eating-disordered person out there. I want to lose more, faster, than anyone else. It's no longer a solo competition. I don't really want to get better. I don't know how I lived on the planet eating a whole package of Oreos without questioning it. My digestive system will likely never be the same. My mind will definitely never be the same. Still I think if I just get through today, the calorie count begins at zero in the morning and it's a new day. I plot my exercise plan to ensure I cancel out the food I take in. I know that I need to overcome this, but I'm simply not ready to stop playing with the five pounds I gain and lose to stay busy. It's a line I like to walk.

And that is scary.

Update

2007-11-19T23:00:00.001-05:00

135 and counting. I cheated a little this weekend. I got way too drunk during the football game. At least the scale didn't slide back up. Not as exciting.

13 down, 20 to go.

I'm walking 4 miles every night and loving that!

Don't Toy With My Emotions

2007-11-11T15:28:00.000-05:00

I bought a scale today. I'm officially one week into my diet and have not cheated at all. I actually feel a lot better than I thought I would. I was really hungry for about 3 days and now I'm not ever really hungry, but I'm never full either. I guess it is a good medium.

When I started I weighed myself on two different scales. They both put me at 148 or so *GASP*. That's pretty close what the doctor told me last time too. The scale I bought today - my best friend in the whole world - put me at 139 (with clothes). Yea, same thing I'm thinking, it can't be right.

So I searched the net for how much a gallon of milk weighs. Well I could only find whole milk, and of course there is NO whole milk in my house. Well after 10 minutes I realized - DUH! How about the two 10 lb dumbbells I bought today. They weighted 20.5 pounds. So if anything, the scale is a little heavier. I can live with that.

How does someone lose 9 lbs in one week? I have no idea. I imagine it is water weight. I can live with that. My body doesn't really look different yet. I'll take this as a small victory and hide the scale until next Sunday.

9 down, 24 to go.

Disappointed

2007-11-10T21:56:00.001-05:00

The Buckeyes got beat today. Where I live, Buckeyes Football is a big deal. Everything stands still during the game. And today's game, well it sucked. It didn't look like they even showed up to play. I wanted to stop watching after the third quarter - and I should have.

The fact that we are going to CLOBBER Michigan next week is little consolation.

When a Stranger Calls Back

2007-11-07T22:15:00.000-05:00

The whole family went to the YMCA for a little workout tonight. As we were leaving, I ran into a guy I went to college with. I did a little running around with him and his friend Bob. I even went out with Bob a few times. I'd tell you his name, but the funny thing is I DON'T REMEMBER! I had several classes with this guy and we were friends, but his name completely escapes me. I think I faked it good enough for now, but he wanted my number to catch up more later.

So tonight my phone rang and it was him. More faking. I seriously gave this a lot of thought. We made plans to all meet sometime to hang out. Now what am I going to do?! I've even been to this guy's house before. I added him to my phonebook as 'guy I went to school with'.

Update! His name is Steve. - I think.

Beggar's Night

2007-10-31T20:50:00.001-04:00

Trick or Treat
Smell my feet
Give me something good to eat.
If you don't, you can bet
I'll post your address on the Internet.

These people decided to trick-or-treat from their vehicle.
There should be some law against that.

A Decade

2007-10-29T22:07:00.000-04:00

My oldest turned 10 yesterday. Seems like just yesterday he was born. I was 18 and terrified. I was a couple of months into a marriage that wasn't going so well and I had no support system. At least not a very functional one. My mother wasn't really talking to me. I was 17 and a senior in high school when I got pregnant. And on the honor roll. And on my way to college with a full-ride scholarship. She wasn't very happy. Now, I understand.

10 years and one very messy divorce later, everything has turned out ok. As much as I hated my mother for not being there when I needed her most, I've forgiven her. What I was really angry about was that I knew she was doing the wrong thing. What I didn't know was that she didn't know it was the wrong thing. I thought that she should have all the answers.

The hardest thing that I have learned in the last 10 years is that parents never have all the answers. All we can do is the very best that we know how with what we have. So I am constantly trying to forgive my parents for mistakes I think they made. Mistakes that I am sure they agonized about the same way I agonize about every decision I make. I hope some day my oldest will come to this same conclusion. And with the turbulent teenage years coming up, I hope he chooses to forgive me.

Ok, So I'm a Cow

2007-10-25T22:15:00.001-04:00

I've gained 15 pounds in the last year and I don't care. Now I know I've become my mother.

I'm a Gummi Bear - Best Video - EVER

2007-10-22T21:40:00.000-04:00

If you haven't seen this, you are missing out! There are lots of versions, my personal fav is the German one, but here it is in English...

A Little Housecleaning

2007-10-20T00:15:00.001-04:00

Well I finally took some time to work on this thing. I changed the colors of this blog a few weeks ago to reflect that it is now fall. I've added some new widgets. Some will stay, some will go. It was fun making Blogger do things it didn't want to do. Look for more changes to come...

A Small Treat

2007-10-19T21:46:00.000-04:00

I like to think I'm snacking healthy. I work at a desk all day so I snack a lot more than I should. I'm averaging 10 pounds heavier than I was when I started my job two years ago.

I used to eat from the vending machine, but they raised their prices. And usually have crappy food. I've tried hard candy, mini muffins, mints, and a host of other things. I thought I hit pay dirt when I found the 100 calorie bags of mini muffins. Except there are FOUR muffins in a bag. So I had to eat two bags. So now we are up to 200 calories and they cost about 10 times more. And I'm still hungry.

I tried to venture out with Nabisco's 100 Calorie Healthy Snacks. I got the Chips Ahoy kind. I didn't expect much. However.... they were great! They were lots of them in the bag, they crunched, and the taste was exactly like the real thing. I just wish they made them in a bigger box so they didn't cost a fortune.

Definitely worth a try if you are trying to cut back on snacking.

Personality Disorder

2007-10-15T22:10:00.000-04:00

I've never been fond of birthday celebrations. It possibly stems from not having many birthday parties as a child. I know there were a few, I've seen pictures of me as a baby. I don't personally remember any from my childhood. I don't like cake and I hate the pressure of the candles. I've had a few parties for the kids, but I'd much rather just get them a bigger present and forgo the party. So, they are doomed to repeat my pattern -- but at least they get presents.

Today was the birthday. I went to dinner with my grandma out of obligation (her birthday is tomorrow). My middle child blabbed to the waitress and I was forced to endure the dreaded server singing. I could have choked her. I tried to be a good sport, but all I really want for my birthday is to be left alone for a few hours and not have to deal with a party.

The highlight of my day: That same middle daughter, who was obsessed with my birthday, asked how old I was. I answered 20-something (fill in the something with the right number, I'm not telling).

She said, "WOW! That's not so good." --- Exactly.

The Truth Fairy

2007-10-11T19:42:00.001-04:00

I'm barely awake this morning and the almost-10-year-old sticks a baggie under my nose. Inside was a tooth. As I'm wondering where the heck he found a tooth he goes: "AH - HA!"

"I told you there was no tooth fairy!"

Thinking fast, but not that fast, I realize he lost the tooth the day before and didn't tell me to test his theory. I shushed him because his sisters were in the room. When they left, he went over his master plan with me, grinning from ear to ear. He caught me. I briefly considered coming up with a lie to keep him believing, but in a moment of weakness I decided he was old enough to know the truth.

"Ok, so you caught me, I am the tooth fairy," I tell him. "But you're the genius who is out two bucks!" His smile starts to fade as he catches on. He decided he still believes in Santa.

Pack Rat

2007-10-10T20:44:00.000-04:00

I am a saver. I married the opposite. I save papers, toys, clothes, EVERYTHING. I have every school paper ever done by all three children. Considering I have a 4th grader, that is a lot. A few years back I finally threw away MY old school papers. From high school that is. I'm keeping the college stuff. You never know when I might want to become an accountant or a psychologist. Or maybe I can treat myself for free.

Storage is a problem. Right now I have a million 'green totes' - filled and stacked in the basement. They hold all the clothes the kids ever wore, books, computer parts (those ARE the hubby's). You name it and you can find it.

Some day I'd like a garage. Not for my truck, but for this stuff, it's kind of cool: storage solutions (totally sponsored link, but still cool stuff).

Time Off

2007-10-10T20:02:00.000-04:00

I took a vacation day today to help my mom find something to wear to my brother's wedding this weekend. Vacation days are cherished because (1) I only get 10 a year, (2) I do not get sick time, so if one of us gets sick, I have to take a vacation, and (3) I need to save 5 days for the county fair the first week of July.

Today I also did 5 loads of laundry, the dishes, and various other cleaning. I can't wait to go back to work so I can get a freaking break.

A Lot is Two Words

2007-10-09T22:07:00.000-04:00

Little things irk me. I'm what you'd call high-maintenance, inflexible, and generally just a pain in the ass.

I had a teacher in the 8th grade whose mission was to teach the world that 'a lot' was two words and not one. She failed.

Vonage Sucks Too

2007-10-09T22:03:00.000-04:00

After my last frustrating experience with Verizon, I decided to sign up for Vonage. With a promise of a modem appearing at my door in 2 business days and a month free service, I was excited to be rid of long-time loser, Verizon (formerly GTE). I had to pay at $42 setup fee.

That was two weeks ago. Still no modem. I called to cancel. Well, turns out I have to call yet another phone number that is only open limited hours. I couldn't cancel with the same people I placed the order with. And they still have my $42.

Now I hate all phone companies.

I Stare in Amazement

2007-10-08T20:35:00.001-04:00

When someone posts something like this in a blog...

For those of you who told me I'd never make anything of myself and those of
you who tried to knock me down every time I tried to get up (and for those of
you reading this that really should have no business doing it)...

It makes you wonder if they do not understand what a blog is. If you don't want to share it, then find a way to keep your mouth shut - or don't post it on the Internet. Seriously.

Loan Sharks

2007-10-06T19:06:00.000-04:00

270 days. That is how long one can go without paying on their student loans before these people really get pissed. I was one of the lucky ones, I left school only owing $3600 -- well plus another 4 grand on a credit card. After I got a real job, it was time to start paying those loans. At first I was ok with that.

Then I got this and this and this, and pretty soon the last thing I wanted to spend my money on was my student loans. I heard stories about people who owed on them for years and no big deal. So I started throwing the statements away. I figured if I had any money left at the end of the month... well that day didn't come. I'm the type of person who spends $1.25 for every $1 I make.

Well eventually they did get really angry. And they started talking about garnishing my wages! How embarrassing! So, ok, I paid them their money and they are happy and I get one less pair of shoes a month. I actually had to argue with them that no, I haven't really fallen on hard times - I just am really bad at prioritizing.

So, in case you ever wondered, you can go 270 days, but not a second more.

Ask Yourself Punk - Are you Feeling Lucky?

2007-10-03T20:34:00.000-04:00

I seriously hate asking for salt at Wendy's or McDonalds and being gifted with 10 packets in my bag. Who needs 10 packets of salt for one medium fry? For that matter, who needs 10 packets of salt - EVER!

Here are some other ways to annoy me:

When I am going 33 mph in a 35, ride my ass because those extra 2 mph make THAT MUCH of a difference. The speed limit is exactly that, a limit, not the minimum you can go. You know what trying to rush me does? It makes me go slower.
If you call my cell phone and I don't answer because, hey, I might be talking to someone more important... call back continuously until I give up and answer out of sheer annoyance... Then ask me casually: "whatcha doing?"
Leave the cordless phone off the charger so that every time I try to use it, it dies 5 minutes into the call.
Wear your shoes on my very light-colored carpet.
Rev your motorcycle for 10 minutes outside my house at 3am. Yea, you are cool, and the whole street hopes you get hit by a bus.
Drink my pop and then act flabbergasted when I announce it disappeared. Yea, it emptied itself and then walked in the recycling bin. That's a die-hard environmentalist.
Switch my chair at work and then laugh when I spend all week looking for the one that has my butt-print in it.
Pull out in front of me and THEN TURN 50 feet down the road. Why do people do this?
Wait until I walk away from my computer and then turn it off, forcing me to wait for it to boot every time I want to do something. Do it in the name of power-conservation.
Tell me that I can't possibly be correct because you are an expert in the field. And then have absolutely no facts to back up your point. You are right because you say so, I get it.

A Tad Disappointed

2007-09-27T21:18:00.000-04:00

I was so excited for premier week. Private Practice, the Grey's Anatomy spin off, was a super-hyped disappointment. Instead of the passion seen from Grey's, it was more like a cheap Strong Medicine. Where the hell is Addison's fire? She gets a new show and an extreme personality makeover?

Grey's is half over and also a disappointment. I realize these kids have to find their adolescence, but it seems like the writers were asleep in this episode. Not leaving anything to chance, Izzy is a complete flake, Christina is mean, and Meredith's sister has completely become who she was last year. I sure hope it gets better than this. At this point, even I can predict the plot.

I Hate Verizon

2007-09-26T22:36:00.000-04:00

A month ago I changed my calling plan online to one that better suits our needs. Actually, the only thing I use my landline for is send the occasional fax once a week from home. Seriously. So instead of paying $50+ a month, I'd like to pay $20. No-brainer right?

Well fast-forward to this month's bill. Still $50+ Called their helpful number to change service. Well... the only thing I could do there was UPGRADE. In order to select a lesser package, I have to call back and be put on hold for forever.... during the day. The daytime when I am at work. So how is that possible? Exactly. Time to dump Verizon.

Brat Hart

2007-09-20T19:01:00.000-04:00

I wanted to test the slow motion on the camcorder... but not how she wanted me to do it. Yes, that is her swinging at me in the end. This is typically how my night goes. A better parent would have put the camcorder down, but I wanted to share what I get to see every day.

Rebuilding

2007-09-19T22:34:00.001-04:00

While the new computer is nice and fast and pure...

... Having to install all the stupid software I need sucks. Finding the CDs sucks worse. Must.Get.Organized.